What is total surrender? For me, it is taking my plans and tossing them aside. It is allowing God to lead the way; having full control of my healing process.
Breast cancer has found several resting spots in my body. Stage 4 is what my oncologist sadly stated to me earlier this year. I have battled this monster for thirteen years. I am exhausted and some days want to give up.
The medications and their side effects have been a thorn in my side, but for some reason, my body has rejected each new medication tried this year.
Weight loss, double vision, depression, and fatigue sums up life for me at this moment. But the Holy Spirit inside of me refuses to accept my momentary weakness. He reminds me of God’s great power and plan for my life. So, each day, I envision my bright future.
Because of God’s grace and mercy, I am still alive. I do not know God’s plan and time-line for all that is going on in my life, but I trust him.
I wish I could say that I no longer cry out, telling God that I cannot take the pain anymore, but I still have my moments.
The beauty of all of this is when I am awaken to a new day, God reminds me that he is bigger than cancer.
My prayers and questions continue. Why must I be tortured? Why can’t you just remove it from my body, now? Silence is all that I receive.
Total surrender is trusting God’s timing and knowing that he is greater than any disease or circumstance. I truly believe that at the end of my trial, all glory will be given to God. Don’t worry, I’m going to share the good news with you when it happens.
Treatment for any illness or disease should involve caring for the mind, body, and soul.
Advocacy is key. Survivors and caregivers research the condition and treatment options. Listen carefully to the medical provider’s treatment plan. Speak up! Don’t be afraid to share your concerns about the plan. And remember, there’s nothing wrong with getting a second opinion.
Most importantly, take a timeout to clear your mind by meditating and/or listening to soothing music. Recharge your body by eating healthy and exercising.
I spend time with God first thing in the morning, and before I settle down to sleep at night. I pray, meditate on his word, and listen for his voice. I love early morning time with him, because I am well-rested and can recognize his voice. Many times my inner voice tries to answer my questions, but I am blessed to hear the difference.
My question or questions can range from my life’s purpose to my to-do list for that particular day. Most recently, I have been struggling with my purpose, wanting to know my divine purpose for being here.
I have enjoyed being a nurse for the past twenty years, but I have not been passionate about it. I enjoy caring for my patients, but something seems to be missing.
I love when my heart leaps and/or my spirit smiles. Being with family or friends can bring this joy about. When I am home alone, this joy appears when I sit with my laptop and write stories. So, you may think, why don’t you write? The simple answer is fear. Fear of what others might think and fear of not having a steady job. On the inside, I feel like this fear has blocked so many blessings for me.
God has been so patient with me through this struggle. He reminds me everyday to be strong and courageous, and to remember that he is with me. I meditate on his words everyday, but still I fall victim.
Two days ago, things changed. I was out for dinner with a good friend of mine, who happens to be a nurse also. She knew I was unhappy as a nurse. “I’ve only known you for a few years, and you have had nine different jobs.” We laughed because she has made this statement to me more than once. But this night, I admitted my truth. I changed jobs often because I was searching for a position that I enjoyed; one that made my spirit smile. My friend told me again to follow my heart and to be brave. “You have a story to tell.” I had heard this from other friends and family, but I wanted to hear it from God.
This past year, I have been able to hear God’s voice more clearly during our private moments, but it seemed like he was quiet when I asked about retiring from nursing and journeying down a different path. Or had he given me the answer, and fear prevented me from taking the big leap?
After dinner, I asked my friend to stop by the grocery store. I needed to run in quickly and buy some ice cream for my nephew. As I entered the store, an inner voice told me to get some detergent. I was running low on detergent, so I decided to make a quick detour. While on the laundry products aisle, God appeared. In my hands, I held a bag of detergent gel tabs and dryer sheets. I didn’t have my eyeglasses on, so I was squinting at the detergent label. In my peripheral, I saw this young, blonde woman (an employee). She spoke to me. I thought she said Jesus, so I gave a confused look. She asked if I needed help. I told her no, and that I didn’t have my eyeglasses.
Suddenly, she began to tell me that she was a new believer, and God had healed her from an addiction and brain tumor. I froze up. The Holy Spirit whispered, “it’s your turn.” Without a second thought, I shared that I was a believer, and told her about my breast cancer diagnosis. Then she asked if she could pray with me. I couldn’t believe this was happening in the grocery store, on the laundry products aisle. As she prayed, I listened carefully to the words, because I didn’t know her. As the words flowed from her mouth, I heard God. He gave me confirmation. He used this young stranger in the grocery store to deliver his answer. The things she prayed for me had to do with my purpose. After the prayer and small talk, we hugged and parted ways. I was so overwhelmed, it took me a moment to figure out where the ice cream aisle was. I made my purchase and left the store. My friend wondered what was wrong with me when I sat in car. She stated that my eyes were wide opened. When I told her what happened, we both cried.
Mind-blowing is how I described this night. There was no way that this young woman could have known my dilemma. Before I walked away from her, she told me that she was nervous and didn’t want to approach me, but a voice told her to talk to me. I smiled and told her it was the voice of the Holy Spirit.
Everyone who reads this may have their opinion about what happened, and I can respect that. But as for me, I know that God answered my question about my life’s purpose.
I have decided to follow after what makes my spirit smile.
Her Timeout 